How to Explain Death To a Child

When someone dies. a child experiences a feeling of loss as any adult would. But he or she lacks the life experience and maturity necessary to adequately cope with the death of a parent, sibling or close friend.

A child experiences all the same feelings of sadness, anger, fear and often times guilt. Adults many times will try to shield a child from the reality of a death. Unfortunately, this can lead a child to turn to his or her own imagination, resulting in an even more complicated situation.

What You Should Understand Adults play a critical role in the lives of children who have experienced a loss - a role that can have a lifelong impact on a child. How a child learns to accept and understand death as a natural part of life will mold their attitudes and behavior for the rest of their life. When adults fail to effectively help a child deal with grief, that child can carry those wounds into adulthood. He or she will likely be unable to help others, including his or her own children, deal with death.

What You Can Do

Following are suggestions that will be useful when offering support to a bereaved child:

• Be open and honest. Establish an atmosphere of honesty and include the child in conversations about the death and the Funeral plans. Do not speak of the deceased as having "gone away." That phrase may be interpreted as the person "wanted" to leave or may come back sometime in the future
• Assure the child it is not their fault. Children are accustomed to thinking in terms of accepting guilt for accidentally breaking things or bad behavior. Carefully explain the facts surrounding the death - a car accident or fatal illness, for example - and assure the child they were in no way responsible.
• Dispel fears the child may have. When a parent, sibling or friend dies, a child often fears he or she is going to die as well. They need to be assured that those fears are unreasonable and their life will go on. Encourage the child to discuss their fears openly without fear of being judged. Another common fear when a child loses a parent is that the other parent will die and they will be left alone. If the deceased is a parent, the remaining spouse needs to tell the child that he or she is in good health, expects to live a long time and will continue to provide a stable and loving home.
• Allow the child to attend the funeral. Let the child be involved when talking about funeral and memorialization plans. Allow the child to attend those ceremonies. Attending a funeral and burial is a way to "say good-bye" to the deceased and will be beneficial in helping bring closure. Prior to any ceremony, carefully describe to the child what a funeral and burial are like and what they can expect to see. You may suggest they write a letter to the deceased if the child is old enough or draw a picture that can be placed in the casket. A favorite toy, photograph of the child with the deceased, or other item that holds special significance for the child can also be placed in the casket.
• Let the child know that the grief will pass. Do as much as you can to let the child understand the feelings they are experiencing are natural and a necessary part of the grieving process. Tell the child they are not alone in their feelings of sadness and loss, and others are feeling the same way. Assure the child, however, that these feelings will pass with time and their life will return to normal.